Tag Archives: Weight Loss

Weight, Weight… Don’t Tell Me

Good morning, ladies!
 
I would like to start off by apologizing for my lack of communication this past month. I was out of town 3 out of the 4 weekends in April and finally have my routine back on track (perfect timing considering I’m going on another week-long vacation in 10 days). I haven’t even been home long enough to report any news! (Except that Bin Laden was killed… In case you hadn’t heard that yet.)
 
What I have noticed in the short time I’ve been home, however, is how this time of year always brings out the crazy in our friends. With swimsuit season around the corner we have girls on 800 calorie-per-day diets, no carb diets, even ‘detoxing body wraps’ all in an effort to look hot in a swimsuit. The sad part is that none of us are fat. Not even close. And screwing with the natrual process of eating like a normal person and digesting like a normal person has made every one of the DramaWhores a completely irrational psycho. 
 
QDW was cheated on by her idiot boyfriend who also told her she was stupid. Well guess what, he’s bald and bi-polar and not even close to good enough for her. But because she is literally lacking the energy and calories needed to make a decision like egging his car and bashing him on the internet, she continues the rollercoaster ride that is her nightmare of a relationship. But hey, her arms look skinny and that’s all that matters. 
 
The Asian is having a complete quarter-life crisis. She’s in love with a guy she used to date who broke her heart who now has a serious girlfriend. She can’t figure out why it’s not working. Her diet is of the self-loathing variety consisting of Weinerschnitzel corn dogs and ice cream. It’s a vicious cycle. 
 
The Amazon is 6 feet tall and weighs 140 lbs. Her body is beautiful, but she thinks she’s fat. I’m pretty sure she suffers from that thing we learned about in 8th grade where she looks in the mirror and sees a fat person even though she is a ridiculously skinny person. She’s a blonde Kenyan.
 
Bailey, you are one of those rare people who have a healthy body image. I usually give the credit to the mom’s, but this time I’m going to give it to you because your mom and my mom were raised by the same woman and I have heard all three of them say the following: “Have you tried the cabbage soup diet?”, and “How’s your weight?”, and “You should go to the gym instead of watching Hoarders”. 
 
I would say that I also fall under that healthy body image category but I would be lying. I’m not as crazy as the DramaWhores but I’ve tried my share of diets, detoxes and boot camp. I’d mention what I was up to right now but I’d rather save myself the effort of scanning my GNC recipt. 
 
Bridget, you are a woman on a mission trying to get to “wedding dress weight”, and while I think you (and all other brides) are crazy, I understand. So I’m going to look away while you diet your way down the aisle.
 
The list of crazy goes on but if I told you all of it this would be a sad, sad novel. I want to shake our friends (us) sometimes and have them look in the reality mirror. They are all beautiful, intelligent and accomplished women who have everything going for them. What their butts look like in a string bikini has no bearing on their worth. And as fas as the single ones are concerned, if they are meeting guys who are only interested in their butts, they have bigger problems.
 
Anyway…In a month from today we’re headed to Vegas! I’m thinking I’ll try the no-carb, no-dairy, master cleanse cookie 200-cal/day HCG, fruit and veggie Kim Kardashian Sensa…

-Bianca

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Missing: My Metabolism

First of all, CALL OFF THE SEARCH PARTY! I’m alive! Are you guys? What the hell is going on? I miss my friends. Tonight we’re meeting at Bianca’s posh, new condo for some girl chat and if we feel up to walking up the street, Algebra’s band is playing at Urban Lounge. Mostly, I just need to see you guys. I’m coming over as soon as I get out of class.  Good? Good.

I’m just going to jump right in here because frankly I can’t think about anything else right now. So I don’t know about you girls, but I thought I was the sh*t in high school (I don’t know that I really was THE sh*t, but I believed it). Truly. I had a constant drip of self esteem oozing out of my ears, trailing off at the base of my too short cheerleading skirt.

Skinny bitch.

Even since high school graduation (June 2004, wtf), I feel like my self esteem as been trailing off. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still an only child and AM God’s gift to this earth, but still, not the same zazazoo I had at 16.

In order to recapture that same zazazoo or whatever, I’ve been trying to do some of the things that I was oh so passionate about as an adolescent. It hasn’t gone so well.

Exercising: Between the ages of 15-18 I was a high school cheerleader on a competitive squad (roll your eyes all you want, but bitches, we took Nationals). This would mean we had a class in high school (yes, you took math, I took cheer), early morning practices, late night Wednesday practices and football/basketball/whatever games 1-2 times a week. All during those times I was  jumping around, tumbling, stunting, running around in the boys locker room and painting banners. Then, at 9:00 every night my friend and I would go to the gym and work out (and then repeat again at 5:00am practice the next morning). I burned at least one hundred thousand calories a day. Now, at 25 with a job and grad school, how in the hell am I supposed to burn that many calories? I’m doing the best I can. I’ve started leaving my treadmill in running mode (not clothes storing mode) and I’ve traded in my desk chair for an exercise ball. On to the next one…

Very expensive laundry basket.

Food:  This isn’t even fair. I ate like crap until I graduated from college. If I tried eating like I did when I was a teen not only would I gain 40 pounds, but I’d probably drop dead of a heart attack. God, I hate my decade younger self.

Tanning: I loved me some UV rays in those younger days. I would go to two different tanning salons so I could go twice a day (because of that pesky 24 hour rule). Seriously. How am I not all wrinkly and covered in cancerous moles? In any event, this week I traded in my usual versa spa fake tan for some UV fake tan. (DRUM ROLL PLEASE….) I’m the color of a freaking tomato.

So. My quest to reclaim my former self esteem isn’t going so well, but maybe I’m on the right track. Maybe a little more putting me and the things I like to do first and everything else second will prove to be a nice little change for a bit.

Gym, tanning, cheerleading, boys,
BridgeyPooPoo

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Simple Math to a Beach Body

Happy Tuesday B&B,

How’s your second day of the work week? You’ll be happy to know that I survived Valentine’s day. Algebra bought me a new, beautiful watch and found my favorite wine that I didn’t think existed anymore. His gift was pictures of what I ordered off Amazon for him 5 minutes before since I was boycotting the holiday, but then accepted the fact that I must participate.

Anything eventful happen to you ladies last night or did you just go about your usual Valentine’s routine?

Anyway. I’ve decided to stop eating carbs (again). Not only will it include all the gluten I shouldn’t be eating anyway (a gluten intolerant diagnosis just doesn’t seem scary enough for me to avoid the stuff), but I will help me drop a few lbs. I’m feeling the summer swimsuit pressure already, ladies! And guess what? I couldn’t be happier about it. The sun is shining, the air is getting warm and minus that little snow storm we’ll certainly have the the end of the week… I’m ready to throw on my bikini (I am, my body; however, is not – thus the carb ban).

I’ve also subtracted pilates (scheduling constraints) and added yoga and kalari. Team! Have you heard of kalari? OMG. It’s AHHHHmazing. Officially, it’s Indian martial arts (I think). Unofficially, it’s superhero training/gymnastics for grown-ups. It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done. I attended my first class last Thursday and I’m still sore. Plus, my cheerleading background actually came in handy (first time since trying to date studly seniors in high school) when I could do a hand stand AND a backbend.

So, if I’ve done the math right (I’ll check with Algebra later):
(Bridget – carbs) + sunshine – pilates + (yoga x kalari) = Super hot bod in time but preferably before summer!

I can't wait to look like this in a few weeks! No?

Right? I’ll let you know how this goes (especially because I can’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t been actively trying to lose weight).

In totally awesome and important news, ALGEBRA’S BAND IS A CITY WEEKLY MUSIC AWARDS FINALIST! So awesome! There’s three bands, King Niko and two other bands that I’ve never heard of and the winner gets 2K and all the glory. Super neat-o. Bianca suggested we glam it up and head to the concert this Saturday and I couldn’t agree more. Bailey, you in? It’s at the Vertigo Room of The Complex (some new venue in downtown SLC) on Saturday night. Woot, woot!

Thinking skinny, carb deprived and not at all angry about it,
Bridget

Sent from my iPad

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I’m putting my phone on Silent night

Bianca and Bailey-

Word to Tuesday my friends. In unexpected news Algebra bought me a puppy for part of my Christmas gift. The little bugger’s name is Wiener. Yes, he is a mini dachshund (I had to google it to spell it correctly). And yes, he is completely running my life. Ladies, I’m being controlled by a 2.3 pound pup, but he’s just cute enough that I’m okay with it – for the next few weeks anyway.

Today marks 1/2 day more of work and the start of all the family Christmas drama! Who’s ready for it? You? You? Nope. Me either. I’m already ready for a holiday cocktail (and by holiday cocktail I don’t mean something festive, I mean something strong, dark and in a glass with or without ice).

In Santa’s little bag of goodies it looks like there is a heap of dramatic communication from all fronts. And team, it isn’t even Christmas Eve yet. I’ve received emails, texts, phone calls and smoke signals telling me how disappointed everyone is with me or someone and how I should deal with it (“Deal with it” See: Drink suggestion above).

Actual texts I’ve received from family members:

– Oh, you’re not going to make it out before Christmas? I guess that’s okay. (Dude, Christmas is in four days and correction, you’ll see me Christmas eve.)

– Algebra got you a puppy? Isn’t that what married people do? (What, anus? No. I don’t know what married people do, but I’m pretty sure single people have gotten puppy gifts before. Ps: Jealous no one bought you something to pee on your carpet and bite your toes with razor-sharp teeth? I’m sorry.)

– Cool. I guess we’ll see you on Christmas. (Not if you keep up that attitude.)

– Great seeing you, you look a lot skinnier than a few Christmases ago. (Seriously?)

 – What? You don’t want to stay the night in a new place with a new puppy? But you promised weeks ago. (You want puppy pee on your carpet? Cool, we’ll sleep over.)

– Guess what {delinquent cousin} did! Don’t you think you can talk to them about it? (Family gossip. Just say no.)

– Has Algebra wrapped a string around your finger for measurements? (Ew. No. And who does that anyway?)

{Sigh.} One good thing about getting older is that I have to be present for only the family drama that I choose to (and that’s a present in itself). Also, knowing that Christmas always ends with a trip to Piper Down for “therapy” with friends makes it all worth it.

Looking forward to Christmas after all,
Bridget

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