Tag Archives: booze

Springtime in the City of Salt

Twat is up, girls?! I hope your week is off to an awesome start! I know mine is! There is already talk of Friday Fiestas and this girl is s-t-o-k-e-d!

I swear the slightest sparkle of sunlight has everyone rejuvenated and excited for spring and summer. I mean, sure, it snowed yesterday, but beyond a few whiny Facebook posts, it hasn’t seemed to be too much of a problem! The snow is melting, my seeds are growing (yes, I planted flowers from SEEDS, how domestic of me, eh?) and everyone is in a super positive mood. I am loving it!

I know that the spike in vitamin D is part of the reason for everyone’s mood influx, but a mere increase in a silly little vitamin can’t be the only change, right? Right. Here’s my 8 degrees of why everyone is in a good mood (this is by no means a stretch):
1- When it is spring you’re usually not freezing your ass off when you’re outside.
2- So you go outside and your run around and play.
3- Since you’re spending so much more time running around and playing you get skinnier.
4-Now that you’re skinnier (and warm) you put on way cuter outfits that the drab shit you’ve been donning with your Uggs all winter.
5- When you look good, you feel good (thanks, Dion), and since you’re baring more skin in the sun, you get tanner.
6- Tanner=hotter (sorry, skin cancer society, it’s science!)
7-When you’re hotter more people want to hang out with you (sorry ugly people, again, it’s science.)
8-When you’re hanging out with hot and fun and wonderful people, what are you usually doing? THAT’S RIGHT! YOU ARE DRINKING A DELICIOUS AND COLORFUL DRINK AT SOME OUTDOOR LOCATION.

It all comes back to booze, my friends, and here are my top favorite SLC places to enjoy some spring and summer bevs. (No, I’m not teetering on alcoholism, friends. I’ve just held true to giving up the booze for lent and I’m kind starting to get the craving. Mmmm… Mimosas, margaritas and mojitos, OH MY!)

1-Gracies: Once a scary meat market in winter (complete is bejeweled man denim) turns into a super awesome patio par-tay during spring and summer. Drink of choice: Ask Sam for a ManWhore.

2-Spring Mobile Field: What may be one of the most poorly named ballparks in the US of A is a lovely place to spend spring afternoon and summer evenings. Drink of choice: Dur. Beer. Thirsty Thursday rocks my world. Note: If you get hit in the head with a fly ball you get free beer the rest of the season. Yes, I know from experience. No, I don’t want to talk about it.

3-Summer Concert Series: Wa-hoo! Back at the Gallivan Center this year. There’s nothing I love more than free concerts and free love in the summer. SLC hippies do their best to come out in full force for the concert series and I do my best to avoid the smell of their sometime sketchy dreds. Sure, I usually only make it to a few of the concerts before I feel like blowing my brains out from crowds, but hey, at least it’s an option, no? Drink of choice: Over priced white wine or whatever snuck in between my boobies.

4-Kickball: Yes, I’m one of “those” people that plays on an adult kickball league. What can I say? I love dressing up in a uniform (read: pink shirt, shortie shorts and knee socks) and it gives me a whole new crop of people to point and laugh at. Plus, if I were of the single variety, there’s a bunch of cute boys that play! A few of our girlies have found some fun little “distractions” on the kball field! Drink of choice: Anything mixed with Powerade. Gotta stay hydrated on the field, yo!

5- GREEN PIG’S ROOF TOP EXPANSION – Yes, you heard right, ladies. The Green Pig is opening a roof top bar. It’s going to be a thing of beauty! I can’t wait to sip on environmentally friendly drinks with you ladies there all summer.  Drink of Choice: To be invented for us… It’s going to be green, it’s going to be strong and I think it should be called a Hybrid Holiday (or something of that nature).

Hybrid Holliday

Anywhoser. I know it’s supposed to be kind of shit-tay for the next couple days, but whatever, spring is springing and it going to be an awesome two seasons. My mouth is literally watering in anticipation!

Salut, cheers and stuff,


Filed under Bridget, Uncategorized

And then Jesus told me not to drink…

Oh hey fellow Prius Drivers! How was your morning commute in the f’n snow? Utah always does this. Sunny, nice, capri’s, flip flops and then BLAM-O more snow than in January and February combined. Luckily our vehicle of choice handles pretty well in the snow (especially when it’s not getting plowed into by snow removal vehicles, right, Bianca?).

I made it to work safely in the Prius, but since Algebra took the day off (to be on the radio – again – hard, hard life being a ‘rock star’), he drove me and I was super grateful. Not because the Prius can’t handle the snow, but because my anxiety can’t handle the snow. I had a midterm last night, the first one since sophomore year of college and ever since then, my nerves have been shot.

So. Weekend recap? I’d love to give you one, but I can’t remember much of anything from about 8:30pm on Friday to 8:30 am on Sunday, but here’s what I can remember:

3:00 pm Friday: Took a half day of work and met Algebra and his cousin Stephen (name idea?) at Piper Down for a little mid day drinky-poo (drink of choice, Jack on the rocks baby, started Friday off right).

5:30 pm Friday: Went on a quest with the roomie to find my new fave WHIPPED CREAM VODKA. Quest successful (third liquor store).

{Intermission to shower and get ready for the night}

7:00 pm Friday:  Doorbell starts ringing with all the surprise guests for Algebra’s big 2-9 celebration. Start drinking copious amounts from shot glasses and blue & green polka dot cups (they were the manliest I could find, okay?)

8:00 pm Friday: Surprise limo shows up (GIANT, who knew they made limo’s so big?), pile into limo with the gang (approximately 15 people and 30 bottles of booze).

8:02 pm Friday: More drinking, this time, from the bottle.

8:45 pm Friday: Bianca, Bailey and I start singing sorority songs (all the naughty ones) and taking pulls from various bottles.

9:00 pm Friday: Where are we? Did we make it to Wendover? Zzzzzzz…..

{Intermission for blackness}

4:00 am Saturday: Shower (very necessary after vomiting out of a limo window for upwards of 2 hours.

5:00 am Saturday:  Sleep.

12:30 pm Saturday: Wake for a waxing appointment.

1:30 pm Saturday: Back to sleep.

11:00 pm Saturday: Algebra wakes me up to see if I want to go to his show. YA RIGHT. Back to sleep.

8:00 am Sunday: Where did my weekend go and why does my freaking head still freaking hurt?

Yep. That about sums it up. So hopefully you gals can tell me how much fun you had in Wendover, my snooze in the limo while all the gambling was being had was pretty cozy, I’m not going to lie.

What will you do for beads today?

Sidenote: HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!! What are you girls giving up for lent? Algebra and I are giving up drinking booze. We’ve yet to decide if it’s all alcohol or just liquor (i.e. beer and wine might still be okay.) If you have any questions as to why we made that decision: see above.


Me no likey boozy,

Sent from my iPad


Filed under Bridget

Warning: Too Much Information

Hi Bianca and Bailey!

How are you lovely ladies?! I MISS YOU, BAILEY! And I’m so glad we could meet up for lunch yesterday, Bianca! I’m so stoked for Algebra’s surprise birthday party this weekend! Since you gals are coming, it feels like a party for me.. Sh… don’t tell Algebra (about the party or about me stealing his party thunder and totally enjoying it).

So. I had to take yesterday off (TMI, you’ve been warned) because I have a super painful UTI. It’s horrible. I haven’t had one of these since I was like 10. What the heck?! Where did it come from and why is it showing up now? (My yogi friend is sure it is because I’m stressed, so I’m going to take a moment right now and apologize to my bladder for being super stressed out and not taking adequate bathroom breaks. But ,bladder, I’m (we’re?) a teacher, a bathroom break is a luxury we don’t have.)

Being the kind and wonderful(?) coworker I am, I warned my colleague that I was sick and would have a sub. The dialogue went this way:

Me: Hi! Just FYI I got started getting sick after afternoon recess, got sicker, went to the doctor, am on super strong antibiotics, left sub plans and will have a sub tomorrow.

Her: Oh you first year teachers get sick all the time. I’m sure you’ll be feeling better soon.

Me: (I AM A THIRD YEAR TEACHER, JERK!) Ha. I didn’t know that being a first year teacher caused UTI’s.

Her: Well it sounds like you’re not contagious, so enjoy your day off.


Am I just being ubber sensitive because I’m stressed out or is she being a jerk? Blah. I think it’s super inconsiderate and mean. Sure, I’m not contagious, but I also couldn’t stand and had to pee every three minutes. RUDE.

Anyway. To make the day better, I have parent teacher conferences today and tomorrow! WA freaking HOO!!!!!!!!

Luckily, my yogi friend suggested some beverages to get me through the day and I think they’re working. I’m actually in a great mood and ready to be here for another 1,345 hours.

Sipping coconut water and Kombucha (I don’t know what it is either),


P.S. In case that wasn’t enough information for you – – – the antibiotics turn my pee bright orange. Annnnnd I’m finished.


Filed under Bridget

“You had me at boloney sandwich”

Dear Bridget and Bailey,

Good morning to you both, I hope you’re having excellent mornings.

I know it’s old news, but I have become obsessed with the Kate Middleton and Prince William engagement. I just want to know all about her and how they met and why fate dealt her the winning lottery ticket of life.

Aw, lovely. Kate and William aren't too bad either.

Strangely though, I’m not jealous of her in the same way I was when Ryan Reynolds (he was voted the sexiest man alive yesterday, FYI) got together with that voluptuous Scarlett Johansson; which is totally ridiculous because she is incredibly gorgeous and a huge step up from Alanis Morissette*. Nothing against the 90’s angst queen, but let’s get real here.

I digress. So yes, Kate is the luckiest girl in all the Kingdom, but I feel like she is qualified to be a princess! If she isn’t the classiest most gorgeous girl in the world, I don’t know who is. Also, I love her fashions; she matched her outfit to her engagement ring. They met 100 years ago much like Preston and I. Although under different circumstances, of course (we had way less paparazzi than they did).

I first met Preston at a sorority event when their house came over to see a hypnotist/comedian. He got hypnotized and made a complete fool out of himself, but for me it was love at first sight. His reputation preceded him so I knew he was dating the president of the goody-two-shoes sorority, but I still had a big crush. Since he was taken, I flirted with one of his cute frat brothers, Peter (as in Peter-Pass-Around since all the DramaWhores have had their turn). This flirting led to more and I ended up dating Peter for a while.

Peter invited me to go to their Fraternity’s annual Lake trip which usually consisted of binge drinking, wake boarding and seriously dangerous (read: binge drinking) cliff jumping. I enthusiastically obliged. Unfortunately for Peter, my crush on Preston materialized on this trip. Their drunk friends ate all of my food, and Preston was nice enough to make me a sandwich from his own stash, where I learned that we liked the same cheese, and both had Invisalign retainers.

Later that summer I learned that Preston and his goody-two-shoes sorority president girlfriend had broken up. I knew this was my chance. I initiated the phase out with Peter, planned my big 20th birthday bash, and made sure to invite their entire fraternity (a sure way to make sure Preston showed up without actually having to personally invite him). He didn’t show and I ended up making out with my ex baseball boyfriend before passing out on the bathroom floor.

Preston had no idea how I felt about him, and I wasn’t about to tell him, so I chalked it up to it not being meant to be.

Then Monday rolled around and I ran in to him on campus making pancakes for student government. I built up the courage to go say hi and he was surprisingly excited to see me. He gave his friends their penis shaped pancakes and asked if I had any interest in coming to their School Girl party that weekend, and I said yes (duh, I am catholic).

I showed up with all of my friends in tiny skirts and tied up shirts, found some liquid courage (of the “jungle juice” everclear-roofie variety) and planted a kiss on Preston next to the beer pong table. I then ran away. (My naivety back then proved to work in my favor more than one would imagine.) I was stumbling in to the sorority house when I got a text from him that read: “I’ve had a thing for you ever since I made you that sandwich on the lake.”

Soon after that we fell in love. ❤

It never really bothered Peter that Preston and I started dating and they’re still really good friends. Although he’s still pretty unlucky in love, poor guy.

So yeah, Preston and I are pretty much just like Kate and William, minus a few tiny details. Our future engagement might not get as much publicity, but whatever.

Nothing says love quite like Beer Pong and Pancake Dongs,

*Did you know that You Oughta Know is about Uncle Joey (Dave Coulier)?! Seriously!


Filed under Bianca

Spicy Tuna, Hold the Ruler

Bridget and Bianca,

Hello and happy Thursday! Not that the days of the week really mean anything to me as an unemployed individual, but it’s always good to keep track of when the weekend comes so normal beings can start casually drinking with me. Which will be neither of you b’s this spook-tacular weekend since by now Bianca, you are probably spilling strawberry margs on your white swimsuit and Bridget you’ll be in Denver drinking free booze at your cousin’s pubs!

Well I’m happy to announce I had my one month anniversary of being back in the Holy Land this week. I have had my highs and lows, but I am on the road to being a full blown resident. I got my car (and my plates yesterday!), I have moved out of my parents and next on the list is to join the gym and I suppose get a job. I should go to the grocery store, but honestly I don’t know if that is one thing I’ll adjust to for awhile. In New York we used our fridge for leftovers and freezer for booze. Plus I have to go to all my old favorite spots that I haven’t dined at in the past three years.

My mom and I went to Ichiban last night, which is always delicious and there is half off Sake and beer on Wednesdays. Too bad I’m allergic to beer and hate Sake unless its in Sake bomb form which seemed a little inappropriate with mother so we stuck to a nice Pinot Grigio. Point of the story, I was a little distraught when from our table we were watching the bus boy literally get out a ruler and measure the amount of wine that he poured into the wine glass. Is this normal? I mean I know they can’t fill it up NYC style to the brim (which I ❤ and will still abide by in my personal dining experiences) but I mean a ruler is a little overkill. I need reassurance that this isn’t normal….please. I get that the law is the law, but a wooden ruler with my Funky Charlie isn’t what I expected and is just a little tacky. This put my Wednesday night dining experience a 7 out of 10.

Next on the list are Vinto (gluten free pizza!), Red Iguana, Sawadee and boozey brunch tour of SLC to find the best bloody mary (I’ll tell you more about this later but get excited).

Well ladies I look forward to next week when you will both be back in action and we can continue to take this city by storm.



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Filed under Bailey