Tag Archives: black friday

My Impotent Prius

Good Morning, Ladies!

Bails, sorry to hear about Miss Art and the flu shot debacle. I too spent some time in the ER this week (read: FML*). Is there anything else more depressing than the ER? I don’t know what the crowd was like when you were there, but I had a guy with an amputated leg. I assumed he had diabetes or was a war vet, but no. He overdosed on Oxycontin a few months back and had to have his LEG REMOVED. I know this because he sat next to me unwarranted and told me the whole story. The kicker is that he was high on Oxycontin when he was talking to me. He made some comment like, you think idda learned my lesson. Uh, yeah. I think you should have probably learned a lesson from that horrible experience. I’m really glad I kept my drug usage to the occasional joint in college.

*FML: The photo above is what I was doing last weekend. This happened on Black Friday, and yes I’m aware of the irony. Especially since I wasn’t shopping, I was lost in business park hell. I was hit by a non-English speaker whose Xterra was filled to the brim with Ross Dress for Less bags and miscellaneous family members. I later learned she didn’t have a license but a learners permit. She had at least 5 whole seconds to get around me but smashed in to my Prius instead. Regardless of all of these glaring discrepancies about said driver, this accident was my fault since I slid (f*cking ice I will get you back some day) in to the road. Where she had no ice. And 5 seconds to get around me. And nobody next to her in the other three lanes of traffic. Yadda Yadda Yadda, I’m driving a Chevy Cobalt until December 17 and $1,250 poorer since I chose the ridiculous deductible instead of slightly higher monthly payments in an attempt to save money. (Again, the irony. I see it.) I also spent a good unnecessary 3 hours at the ER getting my head checked out since I hit it on the dashboard.

As you know, this isn’t my first accident and I’m starting to suspect that maybe I’m a bad driver. I’m not jumping to any conclusions quite yet, but it is suspicious that I’ve crashed 3 out of the 4 cars I’ve owned. Bailey, you were a passenger in the wreck of ’04 and Bridget, you we on the other end of the line in the wreck of ’07 (which was pedestrian related. More on that another time, I’m having anxiety thinking about it right now). But I can’t put my finger on what I’m doing wrong. It’s my December resolution to figure it out. So far I have made a commitment to put the mascara down while driving. One step at a time.

The good news is that the Prius is not totaled. It didn’t suffer any engine or frame damage, it just needs a new door, headlight and bumper. So I guess it’s safe to say I’m a girl with Prius envy. As in I’m envious of you two driving your Pri’i while I’m in a Chevy courtesy of the Airport Enterprise.

I’d like to say I learned my lesson, but I just don’t think that’s an accurate statement if history is any judge. However, that also doesn’t make me any better than a man with an amputated leg due to a crippling drug addiction as he didn’t learn his lesson either.

Laughing at the adjectives that accurately describe both Prius and penis,


Filed under Bianca, Uncategorized

Oprah Does What Oprah Wants

Bianca & Bridget,
Happy Thanksgiving-eve! I have taken the liberty of taking the week “off” and not feeling guilty about chilling out and doing nothing.  Plus with the “Blizzard of 2010” I had no choice to do nothing yesterday, but sit around and wait for it.  By the way I’m still waiting. So while I have been catching up on my television and can’t help but notice the ridiculous Black Friday commercials. I mean is it really necessary to open the store at 3am? The only way you’ll find me at one of those sales is if I’m on my way home from the bar, drunk and we think it’s hilarious. I don’t need an $80 coffee maker for $9.99….or do I?
This brings me to the next present topic of the day.  Oprah’s Favorite Things. Every year, millions of women, ages 25-50 anticipate this episode.  Well this year she did two one last Friday and Monday.  I mean why not? It’s her last year, Oprah does what Oprah wants. On this year’s lists: sparkly Uggs, iPad, Nixon camera, $500 to Nordstroms, I mean the list goes on and on until a brand new Beetle’s silhouette is unveiled. If you are in to the above items mentioned above you can check them out here (trust me I already read and reread, it’s all pretty great). Conan has his own spoof of what happened here.  The women in the audience were literally crying like they won the lottery, and Oprah was dancing and “wooping” per usual throughout the whole show. I mean I’m sure I’d be super excited too, who doesn’t want free shit, but probably not for over 5 minutes. Maybe it’s a pre-req to be in the audience, or maybe the producers just slip some Lexapro into the water.  
Anyway it got me thinking, what would I freak out about that much if I won. If you were asking me 10 years ago, it would be to meet Justin Timberlake and for the VW Beettle.  Asking myself now it takes a minute to think what my ultimate gift would be. What I came up with would be one year, expenses paid to travel the world. I don’t need luxe accommodations and would fully go alone, just the generic around the world trip for one – is that so much to ask? I’m glad I made it through the Oprah Show not slitting my wrists of jealousy, and I hope you did too. 
Well I’ll be sitting here now plotting how I can make my dream of traveling the world happen without blackmailing Oprah…


Filed under Bailey