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Prius Envy Returns (Sorry for being Slack-Asses)

Reasons why we have been total slackers:
– Bizarrely cloudless summer = no time for inside activities. i.e. blogging.
– Toddlers and Tiaras marathon
– Rolling Blackouts
– Dancing on stage with Katy Perry
– Sleeping in is tiring.
– Balancing Margarita Monday and Tequila Tuesday (or was that Thursday?)
– DVR trumps Blog on hungover mornings. – TV plays itself, Blog does not write itself.
– Dream job hunting is very time consuming. Have yet to hear back from E! to be Seacrest’s co-anchor; or from Conde Nast to be it’s exotic island critic; or from Sauza to be it’s margarita taster… but am still waiting diligently by phone.
– Laziness and a general sense of writers block.
Update on Bianca’s life:
Had the opportunity to take a sh*tty job for sh*tty pay in hot-as-balls Arizona for a real sh*t eating jerk of a boss or take a hefty severance package. Turned down the incredible opportunity I was on the fence about to take the severance… yet still very much employed. Preston is making a 1-year plan while I’m learning different feet-dragging tactics. Divorced parents are both single for the first time in 10 years and considering another run at it. Traveling a lot to escape all of the above yet still very much enjoying the ride. Summer rules. Winter droools. Y’all are fools.
Update on Bridget’s life:
Summer break has been kicking ass by totally not kicking ass of any kind. I’ve done practically nothing. I mean, trips here and there, the whole wedding thing is planned and I’m almost finished with my third to last semester of grad school, but really, lots of sleeping. Naps have been my past time. I sleep in bed, by the pool, in the pool, on the lawn and definitely in front of the television. Biggest accomplishment: I finished some great (non school related) books and two seasons Dexter. Who’s winning now, Charlie Sheen? Oh. And I lost 8 (glorious) pounds (gaining them back as I type, even though I’m currently doing Bianca’s Magical Cleanse) and bought THE Wedding Dress.

Zzzzzz.....

Update on Bailey’s life:
No update because Bailey is still enjoying the most epic summer of all time that we’re all jealous of… Bailey… when you read this, send word, text, email or pigeon that you’re okay and still having an awesome time.
Readers: If you’re still out there. Sorry for sucking so hard at emailing. We promise to be better as summer gives way to fall. Forgive us?
Much-o Love-o,
The Girls with Prius Envy

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Recovered Memory Tuesday

Greetings from the hazy myst surrounding me today, ladies!

I feel like I’m in an episode of the Twilight Zone. It’s not mystery that I have the worlds worst memory. Short term? Long term? You name it, I can’t remember it. I blame all the brain cells I killed off in college, but maybe it’s because of all the migraines I get or potentially being dropped as an infant (or as a cheerleader). In any event, sometimes I go back and read our emails and laugh hysterically at something that I totally forgot reading – and I’ll get to the bottom – and I wrote it. Yikes. At least I amuse myself.

Anyway. Today, I’m having flashbacks left and right. Literally, I feel like maybe my past self took LSD, present self forgot about it and now I’m having all these memories I didn’t know were in there.

I’ll only bother you with the two most amusing recovered instances.

Recovered Memory #1
Getting In BIG Trouble in Junior High for Ordering Pizza
Possibly spurred by: Having Pizza Delivered for a Meeting Today

In junior high my besties and I did everything possible to make the lives of the faculty and staff more difficult (as do all junior high students which is why I will never step foot in those God forsaken places – I’ll stay right here in fourth grade, thank you). We’d make preemptive calls home before {insert administrator here} could reach our parents telling them exactly what they should say to the (vice) principal, we’d meander off school grounds up to the high school whenever possible and bring to light every “injustice” our little 13 year old brains saw.

Our favorite form of debauchery was lunch. When we weren’t eating Twix and a Mountain Dew for lunch (Dear Junior High Metabolism, I miss you. Love, Bridget), we were “ordering” food from someone’s mom, dad or older brother. And here’s the best part: They’d actually bring it. I remember my parents once showing up in the front circle of the junior high with 12 Happy Meals.

Well. Since this worked so easily, I figured, “Hell. I bet I can order a pizza, give the driver specific instructions to meet me in the front circle and pull this off no problem.” (Our moms must have been “working” this day and unable to bring us fast food.) Needless to say, my plan didn’t work out and the delivery dude went in to the office, my vice principal had to pay for the pizza and my ass got in big trouble. I still can’t figure out exactly why. I had the money to pay him back… But no, he insisted it was HIS pizza now and that I should hand over my cell phone (YA RIGHT – I told him I ordered it from AOL Messenger in the computer lab.) HA. Scary side note: I find myself doing stuff like this to my students. “Mine now.” “Because I said.” “Hand over thy cell phone, sneaky texter.” 13 year old me would hate 25 year old teacher me.

Recovered Memory #2
Kissing Dr. Douche
Possibly spurred by: Dr. Douche Asking Another DW on a Date

First of all I’d like to start this out by saying: DR. DOUCHE IS NOT ACTUALLY A DOCTOR. He’s a physical therapist. Yes, there is a difference. My pilates instructor also has her doctorate in physical therapy, but I don’t call her Dr. Pilates Instructor. I mean, have you ever seen Dr. So and So for physical therapy? No. You see First Name Last Name, special physical therapy initials after.

Yep, you are.

Anyway. Dr. Douche was the worst first date of my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. Ya know what? I’m not even going to qualify that: Dr. Douche was the worst date of my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. He picked me up in his VW Cabriolet Convertible (I know, I shouldn’t be a car snob, but let’s just say, it was no Prius) and then we went out to a seemingly normal dinner. I had DWAsian “on call” as I usually would for first dates, even though I never had to use her. Until then.

After our dinner he started to plan a post date activity. Meh. I was having a “good enough” time, sure, I’d go see a movie with this dude. And then, he suggests hitting up the liquor store so we could “take pulls” during the movie. (Note: I’m all for taking something special into movies with my girls, but on a first date?! And when your THIRTY SOMETHING ass is supposed to be driving me home? No. Thank. You.) I quickly made up an excuse about how I “promised” to hang out with DWAsian after our dinner date and I’d really hate to be a bad friend and ditch out on her. Talk about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, he snapped and went ballistic. Got angry, drove me all the way home in silence and then as I got out of his car yelled, “Ya. Nice date. Looks like you just wanted a free dinner.” And flew off. Jerk. Off.

I later found out that was third date in a row that ended before 7 o’clock. I wonder why? Him being so charming and all.

Here’s the recovered memory part: The weekend before, I was super blitzed at Gracie’s and I totally kissed him. Ew. Thus, the first date of impending doom.

It’s still early, ladies. Who knows what else I’ll come up with since my memory is working so well today! Hurry, tell me something important and I might not forget it!

Your very own time machine,
Bridget

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Dirty Rotten Bloggers

Hi there Bianca and Bailey! It was so fun playing with you guys at Bianca’s housewarming! Your new place is decorated so cute! I love the vibe there! And damn, our Asian friend sure has mastered the art of cooking Mexican food. Those enchiladas were to die for. I hear the margs were pretty delicious, too, but since it’s still lent and I’m still abstaining from liquor, I didn’t get to partake.

I did, however, manage to get beer drunk (which is a feat in itself, usually full comes way first). The wonderful thing about beer drunk is that when done properly (by sandwiching the beer between, well, sandwiches (or other food products)) there is no hangover to speak of! Wahoo! This meant I was able to get up remarkably early on a Saturday morning and hit up my new gym, DASH! Bianca – thank you so much for making me join, I’m truly in lust with this gym! Bailey, are you going to join?! It was so fun when the three of us went and zumba-ed together.

So. This morning I was watching Good Morning America while I was getting ready (read: sitting on my bed in my undies deciding if I could muster up the energy to blow dry my hair or if I was just going to go with the curly au naturale option). **

This morning they were talking to the girl at the center of the Brett Favre texting controversy, Jenn Sterger. First of all, her boobs are fantastic. I’m guessing they are fake, but fake or real, I want whatever bra she’s wearing in the interview. Go you, Jenn.

Secondly, did you know how this all broke out?! Nope, she did get paid to spill the beans. No, she still hasn’t made a nickel off any of this. It all got out because she told her “friend” who happened to have a blog that Brett Favre used to text her inappropriate things back when she worked at her last job (for the New York Jets). Whoa! I’d be pissed.

Her “friend” somehow got the texts and voicemails and pictures (ew), too. But she’s not sure how. (That part seems a little fishy to me, but whatever). This poor lady with great boobs hasn’t made any money off of ruining Brett Favre’s career. Oh wait, he did that all on his own by coming out of retirement seven times.

She said the only people she’d want to apologize to in all of this are her parents. Yeah, yikes. Apologize to them and thank you plastic surgeon, and move on, honey! You have big things ahead of you (no, I’m not talking about her fabulous, perky breasts), she’s super pretty and she looks smart. 🙂

I guess I’m obsessing over someone else’s story because I’m so stressed out about my own life. I have a final paper almost due, finals week fast approaching, received a death threat at work this week and oh yeah, that pesky little 200 mile race we’re running in Southern California this weekend. Meh. NBD. I got this.

Bianca, see you in LA! 🙂 Bailey, see you… soon? 😦

Boobs, tatas, bazookas,
Bridget

**I’ve recently switched from the Today Sow to Good Morning America and I’m not quite sure how I feel about it. I mean, I LOVE MATT LAUER, like love, but I hate that broad they replaced Katie Couric with. Yes, it’s been years and I still can’t call her by name. Whatever.

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Springtime in the City of Salt

Twat is up, girls?! I hope your week is off to an awesome start! I know mine is! There is already talk of Friday Fiestas and this girl is s-t-o-k-e-d!

I swear the slightest sparkle of sunlight has everyone rejuvenated and excited for spring and summer. I mean, sure, it snowed yesterday, but beyond a few whiny Facebook posts, it hasn’t seemed to be too much of a problem! The snow is melting, my seeds are growing (yes, I planted flowers from SEEDS, how domestic of me, eh?) and everyone is in a super positive mood. I am loving it!

I know that the spike in vitamin D is part of the reason for everyone’s mood influx, but a mere increase in a silly little vitamin can’t be the only change, right? Right. Here’s my 8 degrees of why everyone is in a good mood (this is by no means a stretch):
1- When it is spring you’re usually not freezing your ass off when you’re outside.
2- So you go outside and your run around and play.
3- Since you’re spending so much more time running around and playing you get skinnier.
4-Now that you’re skinnier (and warm) you put on way cuter outfits that the drab shit you’ve been donning with your Uggs all winter.
5- When you look good, you feel good (thanks, Dion), and since you’re baring more skin in the sun, you get tanner.
6- Tanner=hotter (sorry, skin cancer society, it’s science!)
7-When you’re hotter more people want to hang out with you (sorry ugly people, again, it’s science.)
8-When you’re hanging out with hot and fun and wonderful people, what are you usually doing? THAT’S RIGHT! YOU ARE DRINKING A DELICIOUS AND COLORFUL DRINK AT SOME OUTDOOR LOCATION.

It all comes back to booze, my friends, and here are my top favorite SLC places to enjoy some spring and summer bevs. (No, I’m not teetering on alcoholism, friends. I’ve just held true to giving up the booze for lent and I’m kind starting to get the craving. Mmmm… Mimosas, margaritas and mojitos, OH MY!)

1-Gracies: Once a scary meat market in winter (complete is bejeweled man denim) turns into a super awesome patio par-tay during spring and summer. Drink of choice: Ask Sam for a ManWhore.

2-Spring Mobile Field: What may be one of the most poorly named ballparks in the US of A is a lovely place to spend spring afternoon and summer evenings. Drink of choice: Dur. Beer. Thirsty Thursday rocks my world. Note: If you get hit in the head with a fly ball you get free beer the rest of the season. Yes, I know from experience. No, I don’t want to talk about it.

3-Summer Concert Series: Wa-hoo! Back at the Gallivan Center this year. There’s nothing I love more than free concerts and free love in the summer. SLC hippies do their best to come out in full force for the concert series and I do my best to avoid the smell of their sometime sketchy dreds. Sure, I usually only make it to a few of the concerts before I feel like blowing my brains out from crowds, but hey, at least it’s an option, no? Drink of choice: Over priced white wine or whatever snuck in between my boobies.

4-Kickball: Yes, I’m one of “those” people that plays on an adult kickball league. What can I say? I love dressing up in a uniform (read: pink shirt, shortie shorts and knee socks) and it gives me a whole new crop of people to point and laugh at. Plus, if I were of the single variety, there’s a bunch of cute boys that play! A few of our girlies have found some fun little “distractions” on the kball field! Drink of choice: Anything mixed with Powerade. Gotta stay hydrated on the field, yo!

5- GREEN PIG’S ROOF TOP EXPANSION – Yes, you heard right, ladies. The Green Pig is opening a roof top bar. It’s going to be a thing of beauty! I can’t wait to sip on environmentally friendly drinks with you ladies there all summer.  Drink of Choice: To be invented for us… It’s going to be green, it’s going to be strong and I think it should be called a Hybrid Holiday (or something of that nature).

Hybrid Holliday

Anywhoser. I know it’s supposed to be kind of shit-tay for the next couple days, but whatever, spring is springing and it going to be an awesome two seasons. My mouth is literally watering in anticipation!

Salut, cheers and stuff,
Bridget

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Y2K Party?! Too soon?

Hello Bianca and Bridget! It seems we have all been a little all over the place lately. Can we please just regroup and communicate like in the old days? Daily emails, weekday dinners & weekend binge drinking?

Anyways so last weekend my friend threw herself a birthday theme party. Why are parties seriously 10x more fun when everyone is dressed up like an idiot? After mucho deliberation she decided to do 80’s/early 90’s party. I thought 80’s boring…how many times have I thrown on a pair of neon spandex, sweat band and windbreaker? I figured I would go 90’s…it doesn’t seem like it was that long ago that the 90’s existed, but then I came back down to reality and realized it was 20 years ago. I started Googling “90’s outfits” and the rest is history. I mean the pants, hair, socks, shoes, accessories…all of it was horrible. I went with a nice pair of patterned pants (baggy and up to my belly button) paired with a tucked in red tank top (horrible thick material), oxford shoes, rolled down socks and to top it off these….What are those called? Debates were going on if I was Elton John or Whoopie Goldberg. I mean either way I was obviously looking like a big-homo.

This got me thinking that I wanted to through a Y2K party. I mean it was 10 years ago, which technically makes it vintage.  I mean what fashion do we look back on and just want to cringe. Top ones for me are:

EW. Uggs should not be worn fashionably with shorts/skirts. I may be a victim with workout clothes but I am NOT trying to be fashionable. Sad part is this is still going on in places over the world.

 

 

 

Aston Kutcher I blame you.        

 

Thank GOD I made it through college trips to Vegas without ending up with one of these…

 

Juicy Couture = hottest thing to wear to class 

I mean I remember this catalogue. I was in love with their distressed jeans and the buff ab-tastic dudes.

 

 

 

 

 

All in all I think the Y2K brought out the trashiest in people and we need to celebrate that!

Off to get my glittered acrylics filled,

Bailey

 

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Damn you, Cancellation Bear

Goooooooood morning, Ladies!
 
It is such an incredible day here in the SLC. That intuitive little groundhog was right, Spring came early this year! I’m going to ski in my bikini tomorrow. (Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be sweet?!)
 
With warmer weather, however, comes sh*t TV. Sweeps are over and this is the second week in a row that ALL of my shows have been re-runs. It’s a bad system if you ask me. Post sweeps we start to devote our time to crap shows that are still airing new episodes while the good shows fall by the wayside. Like Outsourced, for example. In my opinion a very funny show, but without more episodes I’m pretty sure the Cancellation Bear will have this Indian call center on his death list.  (Browse this website, it’s awesome.) 

Fox’s new awesome show Traffic Light and NBC’s LOST-esque The Event are also unfortunatly salmon swimming upstream.
 
The Nielsen rating system blows my mind. It pretty much goes like this:
SportsCenter: 500 Billion Trillion viewers nightly.
American Idol: 250 ridicusillion viewers nightly.
Everything else: 1 million viewers nightly.
 
It’s amazing any show stays on the air, for serious. 30 Rock has barely any viewers but manages to get renewed season after season (thank GOD) in a theory they call the Arrested Development affect. Which basically means cancelling a show with a cult following is a death wish (thank GOB).
 
Why the TV topic you ask? I’m working from home watching the 3rd episode in a row of What Not To Wear and I’m starting to get frustrated about the content we have to choose from on TV these days. You would think with 1,000 channels I would find something, but the runner-up this afternoon is “Justin Bieber uses Proactiv”. I’m going to stick with TLC. Although if I see that Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA commercial one more time I’m going to hurt an animal out of spite (not really, but this commercial is not even OK).
 
Ooh Toddlers and Tiara’s is on! Gotta Go!

Note: By way of miracle this show is not being cancelled. Fun fact: TLC does not cancel shows, especially if they involve little people or debilitating social anxiety.

I put the boob in boob tube,
-Bianca

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Media Sheentervention

Hello my lovely ladies and happy Wednesday! Hope you are staying warm after the massive snow dump a few days ago. I know I almost had retired my winter jackets and Uggs, good thing I didn’t because I would have been hauling them right back out.

So last night as I was sitting over at Bianca’s having my casual third margarita I got a text from my brother…. “I think Charlie is pulling a fast one on all of us.” I read it and my blood pressure rose, who is Charlie? A distant uncle? My dad’s accountant? Well turns out he was referring to Charlie Sheen and immediately I digressed back to my pre-text tequila drunk state at the first sight of reading the “S” in Sheen. It got me thinking though, is it? I mean he’s clearly out of his mind to some point, but is he egging on the media by saying these ridiculous things? I mean was it worth it to him to get fired from his sitcom, where he was the highest paid actor on television making a depressing 1.25 million per episode? That’s why I just think, no it wasn’t publicity stunt (pre him having a job) but now that he has nothing to lose. Yes, yes it is.

Case and point, he is hiring a social media intern, another story to stay in the headlines different angle – WAH-WAH (insert Debbie Downer). He is entertaining anyone who is communicating with him…what I would give to have his number. He is tweeting, talking to all and every type of media, addressing every Two and a Half Men rumor (i.e. Rob Lowe). The one Sheen news topic today I am a fan of is the unfollow Friday campaign and how to get him off the web (via CNN). Almost worst of all is the fact that I am here emailing you guys about it and know all of this is going on. Damn media. Won’t the media universe just ban him like E! did to Speidi?

But really, everyone knows no one who goes in this deep comes out on top. Brit Brit is still recovering from her breakdown from 2007. Whitney Houston? Nope. Lindsey? Never. Me, Bailey? Well that’s a special circumstance…only kidding. The only intervention I may need is from the gossip blogs, People.com and the weeklies.

Renewing my In Touch subscription,

Bailey

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