Category Archives: Bianca

Broke as a joke – except it’s not funny.

Hi Girls,
 
I’m broke. I apologize for the lack of pleasantries but I’m just being honest. I don’t have any money. I’d like to blame it on Summer activities but you know I will say the same thing in the Fall – “Oh how my wallet suffers when the leaves change”…”I need boots so I can’t meet you for free TV watching on account of a lack of gas in my car”. 
 
I make a comfortable living appropriate for a twenty-middleian. Comfortable enough that I should be able to pay for rent, bills and a car and still have some room for savings and spending money. But it feels like I pay the first two and then I’m significantly out of funds. 
 
This could be (is) attributed to Wells Fargo and the monster it has created – myself. Have you heard of “direct deposit advance”? If you haven’t, pretend like you didn’t hear this because it will ruin your life, too.
 
As a checking account owner at WF you are entitled to an advance on your pay check. Up to $1000 a month. It’s like a credit card, but with impossibly high interest rates – I’m talking 20 – 30%. The difference between this and a credit card is that it is immediately taken out of your paycheck as it is deposited so you don’t have to worry about paying it off. It’s relatively worry free on the surface.

What Direct Deposit Advance Feels like

 Lets just say I have taken advantage of it. Instead of using it as a necessary bail out, it’s become my shopping fund. After doing the math of what this will cost me at the end of the year if I use it consistently each paycheck ($2,400) I’ve tried to limit my use of this horrible crutch. 

Reality

 
You might think I have been eating out less or cutting back on Whole Foods’ ridiculousness (why is it so expensive?!), but no. I’ve become a delusional entitled idiot.
 
Yesterday I got a strange looking piece of mail with pull tabs on each side. Instead of assuming it was an ad like a normal person would I assumed – no, knew it was a check. A big fat check for me from somebody who owed me money. Why would anybody just give me money? Irrelevant. It was a check for a million dollars because, duh. What else would it be? I am Princess Bianca and people just send me money because I am a good person and karmically I deserve this.
 
I’m not kidding, I seriously thought it was a check.
 
Imagine my disappointment when I saw it was a coupon for auto insurance. What the hell is wrong with me?! Obviously nobody is sending me any money. I’m not part of a law suit, I don’t have a mystery inheritance and I declined the Nigerian Prince on his promising investment opportunity.
 
If I’m banking on the fact that my financial problems will be resolved by random checks in the mail, I need help. Help me.
 
Other than financial ruin, I am absolutely loving the late Summer. I can’t wait to spend money with you two tonight biking and drinking about town.
 
Mo Money Mo Problems (psh… yeah right),
-Bianca

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Biancas of the Caribbean

Happy Holiday Weekend!

I am headed to the Caribbean tomorrow on a fabulous seven-day cruise with Preston and his family. My highly-organized overly-excited self has already planned out every hour of every day which makes me worry that Preston might actually throw me overboard. You could say that the two of us travel differently. It’s not a bad thing, in fact it might even be good for us to balance each other out, but if one of us was in charge of the entire vacation, blood would be shed. I’m just sayin’.

I like to be moving and to see different sights throughout the day while Preston wants to kick back, relax and enjoy the sunshine on a beach chair (and 4, 5 or 6 tequila’s). I can lay out with the best of them, but we are going to be on a floating city! There is a salsa dancing club, wine tasting, islands with exotic sea life… How can you chill in a beach chair when you know you are missing all of those awesome things?

Ironically, in life we are the other way around. I am the laid back no worries gal while Preston is anal retentive and ‘planny’ (I don’t know how else to describe it). Helping him pack his suitcase was like *insert frustratng situation* with Larry David.

I can empathize with his vacation style if I channel childhood Bianca. Papa Vanderstappen has always taken us on some pretty epic vacations, but his travel ADD is worse than mine by a million. I’ve never even seen him lay, sit, look at a beach chair. He’s the only man in the world who WILL see every sight from the guide books and then some. His adventures were awesome – cliff jumping, caves, boating, rock climbing, but it’s non stop. I remember being a kid and being so over reading about historical sites. Oh this is where Ernest Hemingway’s ashes were scattered? Who the f*ck is Ernest Hemingway, Dad? (I had a sassy mouth on me as a kid). It was the same sentiment I had for Animal Farm at the time, I just don’t understand this shit.

Now that I’m older and wiser and that whole apple & tree thing has proven true, I love the historical shit (and Ernest Hemingway (but definitely not Animal Farm)) but can see why not everybody does. I can see where Preston is coming from. Sometimes you just want to do what you want to do, and if that means drinking $15 daquiris while watching pre-recorded basketball games, I’m not going to interfere.

In a surprising twist, Papa Vanderstappen recommend I embrace the relaxing travel style of Preston and family since I have never experienced it; suggesting that I might actually enjoy relaxing poolside. While unlikely, it’s not impossible. I’ll keep you posted.

Regardless of how my vacation is spent, it’s going to be incredible and I can’t wait! You can’t go wrong with sunshine, beaches and margs.

Bailey, I wish you the best at the wedding from hell and Bridget, hold down the fort.

Still amazed the state of CA thinks 7th Graders will understand the connection between Animal Farm and pre-Stalin era WWII,
-Bianca

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Weight, Weight… Don’t Tell Me

Good morning, ladies!
 
I would like to start off by apologizing for my lack of communication this past month. I was out of town 3 out of the 4 weekends in April and finally have my routine back on track (perfect timing considering I’m going on another week-long vacation in 10 days). I haven’t even been home long enough to report any news! (Except that Bin Laden was killed… In case you hadn’t heard that yet.)
 
What I have noticed in the short time I’ve been home, however, is how this time of year always brings out the crazy in our friends. With swimsuit season around the corner we have girls on 800 calorie-per-day diets, no carb diets, even ‘detoxing body wraps’ all in an effort to look hot in a swimsuit. The sad part is that none of us are fat. Not even close. And screwing with the natrual process of eating like a normal person and digesting like a normal person has made every one of the DramaWhores a completely irrational psycho. 
 
QDW was cheated on by her idiot boyfriend who also told her she was stupid. Well guess what, he’s bald and bi-polar and not even close to good enough for her. But because she is literally lacking the energy and calories needed to make a decision like egging his car and bashing him on the internet, she continues the rollercoaster ride that is her nightmare of a relationship. But hey, her arms look skinny and that’s all that matters. 
 
The Asian is having a complete quarter-life crisis. She’s in love with a guy she used to date who broke her heart who now has a serious girlfriend. She can’t figure out why it’s not working. Her diet is of the self-loathing variety consisting of Weinerschnitzel corn dogs and ice cream. It’s a vicious cycle. 
 
The Amazon is 6 feet tall and weighs 140 lbs. Her body is beautiful, but she thinks she’s fat. I’m pretty sure she suffers from that thing we learned about in 8th grade where she looks in the mirror and sees a fat person even though she is a ridiculously skinny person. She’s a blonde Kenyan.
 
Bailey, you are one of those rare people who have a healthy body image. I usually give the credit to the mom’s, but this time I’m going to give it to you because your mom and my mom were raised by the same woman and I have heard all three of them say the following: “Have you tried the cabbage soup diet?”, and “How’s your weight?”, and “You should go to the gym instead of watching Hoarders”. 
 
I would say that I also fall under that healthy body image category but I would be lying. I’m not as crazy as the DramaWhores but I’ve tried my share of diets, detoxes and boot camp. I’d mention what I was up to right now but I’d rather save myself the effort of scanning my GNC recipt. 
 
Bridget, you are a woman on a mission trying to get to “wedding dress weight”, and while I think you (and all other brides) are crazy, I understand. So I’m going to look away while you diet your way down the aisle.
 
The list of crazy goes on but if I told you all of it this would be a sad, sad novel. I want to shake our friends (us) sometimes and have them look in the reality mirror. They are all beautiful, intelligent and accomplished women who have everything going for them. What their butts look like in a string bikini has no bearing on their worth. And as fas as the single ones are concerned, if they are meeting guys who are only interested in their butts, they have bigger problems.
 
Anyway…In a month from today we’re headed to Vegas! I’m thinking I’ll try the no-carb, no-dairy, master cleanse cookie 200-cal/day HCG, fruit and veggie Kim Kardashian Sensa…

-Bianca

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Tenaciously caring

Hey Gals,

On this stormy, blustery day I can’t help but think about something so close yet so far away; warm, fabulous, care-free Summer.

So far I have a cruise planned, three trips home, 4th of July debauchery and hopefully a Europe trip (I might be delusional about the Europe thing, but I’m using ‘The Secret’ tactic where you say it’s true and then it becomes true like science). Therefore, I’m going to Europe in August.

I’m also hoping my job gets “absorbed” (that’s what my company is calling it now since “severed” sounded too severe.) by June so I can hang poolside all month.

After the Europe trip I have no plans, no agenda, no idea. And I feel pretty great about that.

My mom wants me to get knocked up and make Preston deal with my lack of resources, but I’m pretty sure I would rather die first. Nothing against Preston, it’s more the trick pregnancy for financial gain thing I have a problem with. But hey, it’s a different generation, right? In the 80’s that was acceptable and how I’m pretty sure my brother and I came to be.

Bailey, I know you are cringing at the irrelevance of this e-mail, and for that I apologize. I just want to make sure you two are fully aware of my summer plans so you can plan accordingly. How am I funding said Summer? Also irrelevant (‘The Secret’). Moving on to more relevant things.

I’m dealing with the drama of my Dad’s relationship with his girlfriend of over 7 years, Suz, who has become crucial to the family dyanmic and it’s causing me more stress than I can deal with.

The fight is about how he and my mom have an inappropriate friendship (they totally do) and Suz has had enough. My parent’s have been married and divorced to each other twice and have never really severed their feelings for or dependency on each other. They live two minutes away and keep in touch pretty regularly. When I put myself is Suz’ shoes, I would have had enough, too.

I made the mistake of telling Dad all of these things and that my brother agrees. Now everybody is mad at me. They raised me to be this way, how could they be mad? I’m opinionated, meddling and needy and am pretty sure those qualities are a product of nurture, not nature. They should be mad at themselves for rasing me to be so tenaciously caring.

Plotting ways to fund my impossible summer travel and manipulate my family in to loving me again (ah yes, ‘The Secret’ yet again),
-Bianca

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Spring Things

What a gorgeous day it is outside!
 
I am loving this first taste of spring. I have espadrilles on today! I’ve been slowly bringing out my sandals after many sweaty days in regular shoes. After a particulary sweaty day yesterday I decided it’s time for a pedicure and some flip flops (no time for the former so I’m just rockin’ the latter… gross).
 
In between Spring deadlines (including but not limited to an Albert Einstein collage for internal marketing, translating disclaimers for a new drug in Spanish (erroneously), and pretending like hours were spent on a magazine ad when really just the pictures were switched out) I have been trying to find the perfect swimsuit for the summer.

I remember in January thinking I’d be 20lbs skinnier by now… Oh Bianca. I was so naieve back then. I’m obviously going to be 20lbs lighter in the fall, not now. Anyway, I’ve lost about 5 lbs, but that was just a fluke last week after a seriously life-ruining flu. But I’ll take it, 5 lbs is 5 lbs. Thank you, new sketchy Indian resaurant!
 
Long story short, don’t shop Victoria’s Secret online. They don’t do returns, only exchanges. When buying swimsuits you’ve only seen on supermodels, there is a good chance you’re going to want to return them once you try them on. After a few rounds of buying and returning I’ve racked up quite a few gift cards over at Vickie’s. Now I’m forced to order approximately five swimsuit’s worth of merch. Not only do I not know how to assume this: 

Not my abs.

will look on my sexy hot bod; every last item on that website is back ordered until July. By then I will have inevitably gained back my 5 lbs of flu weight and then some due to mandatory outdoor drinking and eating.
 
Which reminds me, I did this yesterday! 

Happy Hour. 🙂

 Ahhhh how I love the Spring. 
 
In more relevant news, Happy April Fool’s Day! Two years ago today I got a call from my Dad telling me he bought me a salsa red Prius and that I owe him $$ for the car. I still wish he was kidding about that second part.
 
I got a text from him today that he’s moving to Utah to “shake up the Republicans and keep and eye on my daughter”. If only he knew that I’m one of those Republicans now… psh. April FOOLS!
 
Donkey for life,
Bianca.

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St. Pat’s from the past

Well hello there, M.I.A. and Houdini!

I’m a little offended that I haven’t received an e-mail from either of you all week. But considering you, Bailey are in New York celebrating St. Patty’s in style and you, Bridget are joining me in Sun Valley this weekend I’ll let it slide.

It’s St. Patrick’s Day! I’m wearing green, of course. And am highly judgemental of those who don’t. One day a year you are asked to wear a certain color, how hard is it? 

My boss has never worn green and I just think that makes her kind of a stuffy b*tch. Sorry, but if you can’t celebrate a holiday, what can you celebrate? She’s in all black today. Maybe it’s a mormon thing, like Jehovah’s witness’ where they don’t celebrate holiday’s of other denominations. Stuffy b*tches.

I’m nostalgic today because you’re celebrating in New York City, Bailey. You’re with some of my favorite people day drinking fancy free in the sun while I sit here at my desk doing none of those things. My favorite St. Patty’s day ever was actually in NYC with you.

It was a long fabulous day that started like this:

Then we watched the parade, illegally participated in the parade, drank some green beer, ate a hot dog at a random house, visited a few more random houses, miraculously ran in to friends from San Diego, got in an argument with a stranger about politics, took this picture not knowing the zoom was on:

Took a nap, attempted to go to the bar, ended up at an apartment party that looked like a bar where you made out with who I’m pretty sure is now The Situation, made it to the bar where we decided we couldn’t rally anymore, got a cheese steak, got lost, found our way and went to sleep.

It was the best day ever and I’m SO bummed I’m not there with you today. But I hope you are having an absolutely fabulous time and too inebriated to even be reading this right now.

As for you, Bridget we are Sun Valley bound tomorrow night and I am so excited! I can’t wait to pretend we’re rich and fabulous and hang out at the lodge and swim in the giant jacuzzi. I need a girls trip and this is going to be wonderful.

It’s back to work for me, but before I go I thought I would leave you with some St. Patrick’s Day Fun Facts:

34.5 million U.S residents claim Irish ancestry, that is 9 times the current population of Ireland.

St. Patrick was actually Scottish.

The 4 leaf clover is the symbol of St. Patrick’s day to represent the sign of the cross.

The City of Boston’s population has almost 25% direct Irish descendents.

Over 94 million people wear green on St. Patrick’s day world wide.

Shenanigans,

-Bianca.

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Damn you, Cancellation Bear

Goooooooood morning, Ladies!
 
It is such an incredible day here in the SLC. That intuitive little groundhog was right, Spring came early this year! I’m going to ski in my bikini tomorrow. (Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be sweet?!)
 
With warmer weather, however, comes sh*t TV. Sweeps are over and this is the second week in a row that ALL of my shows have been re-runs. It’s a bad system if you ask me. Post sweeps we start to devote our time to crap shows that are still airing new episodes while the good shows fall by the wayside. Like Outsourced, for example. In my opinion a very funny show, but without more episodes I’m pretty sure the Cancellation Bear will have this Indian call center on his death list.  (Browse this website, it’s awesome.) 

Fox’s new awesome show Traffic Light and NBC’s LOST-esque The Event are also unfortunatly salmon swimming upstream.
 
The Nielsen rating system blows my mind. It pretty much goes like this:
SportsCenter: 500 Billion Trillion viewers nightly.
American Idol: 250 ridicusillion viewers nightly.
Everything else: 1 million viewers nightly.
 
It’s amazing any show stays on the air, for serious. 30 Rock has barely any viewers but manages to get renewed season after season (thank GOD) in a theory they call the Arrested Development affect. Which basically means cancelling a show with a cult following is a death wish (thank GOB).
 
Why the TV topic you ask? I’m working from home watching the 3rd episode in a row of What Not To Wear and I’m starting to get frustrated about the content we have to choose from on TV these days. You would think with 1,000 channels I would find something, but the runner-up this afternoon is “Justin Bieber uses Proactiv”. I’m going to stick with TLC. Although if I see that Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA commercial one more time I’m going to hurt an animal out of spite (not really, but this commercial is not even OK).
 
Ooh Toddlers and Tiara’s is on! Gotta Go!

Note: By way of miracle this show is not being cancelled. Fun fact: TLC does not cancel shows, especially if they involve little people or debilitating social anxiety.

I put the boob in boob tube,
-Bianca

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