Dancing with the mediocre for the sake of booze

Dearest Bianca and Bridget,

Geez I feel like it’s been an eternity since our last email ladies. I wonder why? Oh I remember I have been drunk since last Thursday. Well I’m glad to say I am still recovering. I had been doing so well not going on 5-day benders since I left Manhattan. I guess what they say is true, “you can take the girl out of the apple (martini), but you can’t take the apple (martini) out of the girl.”

The bender kicked off Thursday at the Utah AIDS Foundation Red Party hosted at Hotel Monaco. Oh sheesh. Who knew the straight girls would be the ones having the time of their lives. Thinking back the only straight men in the house were the bartenders, 2+2=4. Best moment of the night was when I won two VIP floor tickets to Lady Gaga. After two minutes of jumping up and down, hugging everyone around me, posing for pictures – I found out I didn’t actually win. Woopsie, I guess after five drinks I develop dyslexia.

Fast forward to Saturday – Vegas! I honestly need to thank you ladies for helping me make my comeback to Las Vegas after not partying there for 3 years. You truly taught me the lay of the land. Mini bottles & dancing in circles. Mini bottles are a sure way you won’t need to spend $15 on a drink, but only $5 on a chaser. Dancing in circles is a sure way you will get an $84 round of shots bought for you a ‘Situation’ look-a-like. We did our fare share of dancing on tables, I mean who knew in Vegas snapping and clapping dance moves would be so hot.

Bianca, I’m so sorry you got assaulted. Who knew the assault train was coming to town Saturday night? I hope the hair grows back on the patch she pulled out. My only regret of that situation is not catching any of it on camera. The chase through Mandalay Bay, falling down the stairs to the capture of your attacker and the security smothering the crazy with a plastic bag over the head. I think I was literally in shock. I did talk some pretty serious shit though that I’m proud of, just can’t remember the details due to my blood/alcohol level.

And Bridget, I’m so sorry you got “roofied.” I know it’s hard to say no when your new New York bestie wants to take four shots in a row. I’m just happy you made it to bed safe, and didn’t die in your sleep even though we laid you on your right side. Note to anyone putting their wasted, potentially ralphing friend to bed: lay them on the LEFT side (thank you, Wikipedia).

Now Bailey, (I feel like I need a message) I’m so sorry your standards are so high when trying to get free drinks. Please learn how to suck it up for an hour to dance with and talk to mediocre (being generous) dudes for the sake of booze.

All in all ladies, the trip was a success! In preparation for the next round I have started practicing my “eyes” to strike at dudes from afar to lure them shamelessly over. Additionally I feel like I need to get my feet prepped so they aren’t swollen for 3 days after, like this time. Preferably with treatments from my (pretty sure everyone’s) new obsession LUSH. If everything goes my way, there will be a location near you in 2011.

*This is literally how I felt watching the horror of Bridget and Bianca. Minus the German.

;**; {twinkling eyes},



Filed under Bailey

7 responses to “Dancing with the mediocre for the sake of booze

  1. Well written and funny!

    My question always stays the same “Is the booze really worth it?”

  2. Da guy’s a geek. Dances like a geek. Looks like a geek. But apparently 3 babes thinks he’s Mr. Disco. hmmm. Maybe I’m da geek?

  3. “Bender” is probably my favorite word in the English language.
    The rest of my observations later, after i’ve completely ingested the heady mead of this post. And it’s pretty strong!

  4. 5 days of drunk? Sounds amazing…and pretty much like my life story.


  5. I think I’m still drunk. I keep reading sake (as in for the sake of booze) as sake (as in booze at a sushi restaurant, usually paired with the word bomb).

    Great trip. Great friends.


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