Dear Bridget and Bailey,
Good morning to you both, I hope you’re having excellent mornings.
I know it’s old news, but I have become obsessed with the Kate Middleton and Prince William engagement. I just want to know all about her and how they met and why fate dealt her the winning lottery ticket of life.
Strangely though, I’m not jealous of her in the same way I was when Ryan Reynolds (he was voted the sexiest man alive yesterday, FYI) got together with that voluptuous Scarlett Johansson; which is totally ridiculous because she is incredibly gorgeous and a huge step up from Alanis Morissette*. Nothing against the 90’s angst queen, but let’s get real here.
I digress. So yes, Kate is the luckiest girl in all the Kingdom, but I feel like she is qualified to be a princess! If she isn’t the classiest most gorgeous girl in the world, I don’t know who is. Also, I love her fashions; she matched her outfit to her engagement ring. They met 100 years ago much like Preston and I. Although under different circumstances, of course (we had way less paparazzi than they did).
I first met Preston at a sorority event when their house came over to see a hypnotist/comedian. He got hypnotized and made a complete fool out of himself, but for me it was love at first sight. His reputation preceded him so I knew he was dating the president of the goody-two-shoes sorority, but I still had a big crush. Since he was taken, I flirted with one of his cute frat brothers, Peter (as in Peter-Pass-Around since all the DramaWhores have had their turn). This flirting led to more and I ended up dating Peter for a while.
Peter invited me to go to their Fraternity’s annual Lake trip which usually consisted of binge drinking, wake boarding and seriously dangerous (read: binge drinking) cliff jumping. I enthusiastically obliged. Unfortunately for Peter, my crush on Preston materialized on this trip. Their drunk friends ate all of my food, and Preston was nice enough to make me a sandwich from his own stash, where I learned that we liked the same cheese, and both had Invisalign retainers.
Later that summer I learned that Preston and his goody-two-shoes sorority president girlfriend had broken up. I knew this was my chance. I initiated the phase out with Peter, planned my big 20th birthday bash, and made sure to invite their entire fraternity (a sure way to make sure Preston showed up without actually having to personally invite him). He didn’t show and I ended up making out with my ex baseball boyfriend before passing out on the bathroom floor.
Preston had no idea how I felt about him, and I wasn’t about to tell him, so I chalked it up to it not being meant to be.
Then Monday rolled around and I ran in to him on campus making pancakes for student government. I built up the courage to go say hi and he was surprisingly excited to see me. He gave his friends their penis shaped pancakes and asked if I had any interest in coming to their School Girl party that weekend, and I said yes (duh, I am catholic).
I showed up with all of my friends in tiny skirts and tied up shirts, found some liquid courage (of the “jungle juice” everclear-roofie variety) and planted a kiss on Preston next to the beer pong table. I then ran away. (My naivety back then proved to work in my favor more than one would imagine.) I was stumbling in to the sorority house when I got a text from him that read: “I’ve had a thing for you ever since I made you that sandwich on the lake.”
Soon after that we fell in love. ❤
It never really bothered Peter that Preston and I started dating and they’re still really good friends. Although he’s still pretty unlucky in love, poor guy.
So yeah, Preston and I are pretty much just like Kate and William, minus a few tiny details. Our future engagement might not get as much publicity, but whatever.
Nothing says love quite like Beer Pong and Pancake Dongs,