Beardtramony

Good afternoon!

Happy almost 4th of July weekend! Also, happy detox week. I can’t believe how hard we partied in Vegas. My liver hurts. But it was incredible as usual and I can’t wait to go back. I’m loving that QDW nabbed herself a hot Aussie. I’m going to live vicariously through her on that one.
Vacation Bests: Encore pool party, being the only white girls in the dance circle, hookah, moon tans.
Vacation Worsts: $17 cocktails, death heels, week long hangover that I’m still experiencing.

I just got the text about your agenda today. Did I mention that I hate you? Beause I hate you. You = at home watching the Snapped (my favorite show ever) marathon while packing for a fabulous two week romantic getaway. Me = working on deadline. I’m quitting my job so I can shape young minds as a 4th grade teacher. But mostly quitting my job so I can sit on my couch and watch Snapped marathons all summer. I talked to my mom this morning and, weird, she’s watching TV marathons too (of the Weeds variety). She’s really milking this hip-replacement surgery for all it’s worth. I did her online shopping for her today while my brother ran all of her errands. At least she’s smart enough not to feel sorry for herself, she’s loving this.

Are you excited for the wedding this weekend? I actually can’t believe you’re going. Not only were you un-bridesmaided, but she’s marrying a closet gay (if you can call it closet, he wears boas and his name is literally an anagram for Gayer). And on top of all that dysfunction, she’s getting married on July 4th weekend and sent out an email detailing what wedding guests should wear… down to the color. Can you say, Bridezilla? I have debated whether or not to go, but I’m a firm believer that if I don’t get a real invitation in the mail, I have no obligation to buy you a gift and attend your beardtramony.

Snowball is having an interview at doggie day care today. All of the doggies were so excited to see their new friend, but no, not Snowball. He wanted nothing to do with those heathens. I raised a selfish little mamas boy. If that snuggly little bastard doesn’t pass, this girl will be celebrating 4th of July weekend alone at home while the rest of her friends and family get day drunk while riding beach cruisers in paradise. (I exaggerate. But it will feel that way when I’m at home with Snowball watching Snapped marathons.)

Sunshine, popsicles and closet gays,

Bianca.

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Filed under bridezilla, doggy day care, fourth of july, Salt Lake City, Snapped, Wedding

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