As you know, I’m going on a fabulous equatorial vacation in a week and a half, and naturally, I’ve checked out from work (and life and necessary responsibilities, but hey, who’s counting). I’ve been using a lot of company time and property to both online shop and browse the Internet. In my hard work at work, I’ve not only burned a hole in my pocket, but in my brain as well. Thanks to TMZ and PerezHilton, I’ve become a real creeper. One day I looked at 37 pictures of Suri Cruise shopping with mom in NY. I realize how weird that may sound, but was I the one hiding in the bushes taking pictures of the two-year old? No. I just enjoyed the slide show and now feel like I know the young toddler. It’s not only Suri, I feel like I have a kinship with many celebrities now. My many hours per week have earned me this privilege, and I feel like reaching out to my new friends in a segment I’d like to call, Dear Celebrities, by Bianca Vanderstappen.
You bagged an NBA player because your sister made a sex tape with Brandy’s brother. You are one lucky betch.
He wears overalls, has a hairy hairy back, and his mistress is a nazi. You are an Oscar winner. This split is a good thing.
Turns out Kate is a horrible b*tch. I’m sorry we all doubted you.
See Jimmy Fallon’s impression of Kate on DWTS here:
I get it. You’re rich, famous, and women throw themselves at you. But seriously? She’s a toothless Internet porn star.
Dear Rachel Uchitel,
You’re not famous and you don’t deserve to be because you slept with a married man. On behalf of women everywhere, shame on you.
Dear Mariah and Jennifer Love Hewitt,
You’re weird in a bad way. Think weird in a good way, like Lady Gaga.
I just don’t like you very much. I don’t know why, but your over-confidence and giant lips just rub us (those who agree with me) the wrong way. I don’t know what else to say.
Where’d you go? You’re way more fun when publicly drug bingeing and hopelessly chasing after your girlfriend. *(Girls With Prius Envy does not promote the use of illegal drug use unless you’re Lindsay Lohan). I’m not here to help, only to judge.
You = SWM. Me = DTF.
You are the last person anybody would expect to be famous. I love you. I love your poof. I love your wild jacuzzi make outs. Keep it up.
I’m on to you. Someone as gorgeous and age-defying as yourself should have bagged a man by now. And not just any man, you should’ve bagged yourself a 10. But you haven’t. And for the last few years I have been on your team, cursing Brangelina’s name. But it’s been five years, Jen. And your lack-of-man has given you a lot of convenient attention…. I’m on to you.